8-28-9-Wednesday

The high school is so hot! These two guys who sit behind me in bio either like me or they enjoy picking on the little fresh. Yesterday they were hitting my ass with the meter stick. Corey Fearheiley is being a doll and a jerk at the same time which is typical for him, I guess. I saw Justin today and we talked for just a minute. He's so sweet. He's got English 6th hour and I pass him on my way upstairs (We've been having cheerleading up in Mr. Seagraves' room.)

8-26-91-Monday

I've got high school today. We had initiation Friday. We had to wear green paint on our faces, a green pointy nose, our hair in rats. It was funny. In front of the school we did a spread eagle and said "ribbit" really loud. Then we did five dizzy lizzys. Then we had to do leap frog over about six senior guys. Brad called me and asked me out Friday night. I told him Micky was spending the night, which she wasn't. He's got some nerve. Some nerve. Anyway, today is really my first day. So here goes nothing.

First full day of school. We're on hot weather schedule though. It went okay. Chris Moore is being really nice, which is uplifting because I'm just a little fresh. and he's a junior. I see Brad a couple of times during the day. He's nice which is also encouraging, even if I don't like him any more. I saw Terry Tripp. He didn't even smile. Oh well. I got a letter from Eric Ellis (Current River) today. I got one from Johnny Hardwick Sat. That's so sweet. Eric reminds me of Terry which is great since Terry either doesn't remember me or don't care to acnolage my presence.

8-25-91-Sunday

I haven't written in ages, no time. So I've got tons to catch up on. I try to sort of start at the beginning, where I last left off.

I look a free play volleyball class this summer. Overall, I hated it. Volleyball is just not my thing. But I'm a lot more confident about volleyball now.

We went to the reunion - Me, Phil, Mom, G'm, G'pa, Sarah, Jen, & Amanda. It was tons of fun. Jason wasn't; there, which was disappointing. Neither was Dan who I met last year. But Chris was, and we had a lot of fun. For awhile I thought I liked him.

Then I had cheerleading camp. I roomed with Keisha which was okay. We got to bring home the spirit stick & we were not only nominated for the award of excellence, we were in the finals. That was nerve racking. Our buddy was kind of cute, but now I don't even remember his name. (addition, his name was Bill) He looked like Bill from "Bill and Ted".

Micky's party was on Aug. 3. I spent the night with her the night before. We watched "Shag" and "Dream a Little Dream." I'd seen them both before but I loved them. She did my hair in little bitty banana curls, which took two hours. I wore it like that to her party. This is who was there:

Me, Micky, Liz G, Sarah, K.P., Bradly, Monica.

Talk about tension!! It was so bad. At this time, Michelle &; Monica both liked K.P. - they still do. And I liked him too. And Sarah. She looked so bad. She's white - white for her! and she's skinny and she shakes. It was freaky.

On Sunday the 4th, Micky, Liz G, and I spent the night at Erin Keilhorn's. We played flash light tag with Gabe & Jake. That was fun. Monday we left for the Current River. Monday we tubed, then Tues. we canoed. Late Tues. we met these three guys - Johnny, Eric, and Daniel. They were pretty nice. I wrote Eric & Johnny, and Johnny wrote me back - from jail. That's right. He's a bad boy. Oh well. We ate at Lambert's in Sikeston on the way home. The roll thrower liked me. Wow.

On the 9th we left for Gulf Shores. I became great friends with the guy in the beach house next to us, Nimon Paul DeFreese. Actually, I fell in love with him. I forgot all about K.P. Completely forgot. On Friday the 16th, he kissed me - four times. He also asked me out. So we're going out now. I've called him once, and I wrote him once, and he's called me once. I love him so much. So much.

Hey, this post even has pictures! Here's Michelle, Erin, and me with the three guys from the Current River trip:

And a photo of Nimon. Just be to be clear, those kisses at Gulf Shores were my first kisses ever!  :-)

July 3rd, 1991 - Wednesday

Last night after talking to Michelle I was really depressed because everything is such a big mess. Mom made me tell her what was wrong. I told her some general things. She sort of gave me a lecture about what all of us should do, and how it wasn't going to get better, we would just learn to deal with it better. Then she said something that made me want to slap her. She said "I remember when I cried over boys." It's not really over boys!!! Maybe on the outside it looks like a bunch of girls fighting over Preston, but it goes so much deeper than that. It's about a group of girls who are either a) searching for their inner selves b) afraid of their inner selves c) both a and b d) afraid someone will discover who they really are e) trying to get close to the untouchable person f) any of several others. For me, it's all of them. I'm searching for who I really am. K.P. told me some but I think it goes deeper. He told me I was a girl who had been forced to grow up too fast, and he said all this stuff about being sure of myself and who I was. But the part about growing up too fast is certainly true. I'm afraid of what I'm going to find if I really saw myself for what I am. I'm afraid that people will see through my act. And most of all, I wish I could get close to Preston. Everyone takes all of their problems to him, but he never opens up to other people. He for sure can't take his problems to Sarah. She's lost 15 pounds since they started going out, because she's so obsessed with him, and not losing him. I wish he would let me love him. Or at least I wish I could be the one he took his problems to, who he leaned on. If not me, I wish he could - or would - go to someone. At camp I had to lean on him so much I wish that he knew that I'm also here for him.

Well, I've got to change the subject so I don't cry. Dan, Kathy, Sarah, Jennifer, and Amanda are coming today and staying a couple of days. We're going to the fireworks together, which is always a lot of fun.

July 2nd, 1991 - Tuesday

Last night I talked to Micky on the phone. She said that Sarah was really upset about me spending so much time with K.P. Michelle kind of cooled her down. Sarah thinks that something happened between me and K.P. at camp. I called Sarah and asked her if she was mad at me. She never really gave me a straight answer. She said she was just so confused. And she talked about Sam. See, Sam and Sarah are supposed to be best friends. Sam told Sarah that she (Sam) didn't like K.P. anymore. Then Sam told K.P. how much she loved him, even if he was going out with Sarah.

I asked Michelle if I would have a chance with K.P. if Sarah wasn't in the picture. She said she thought I probably would. I told her what Delana said she heard K.P. say before the talent show. Then I had Michelle call K.P. ask if he really said that or not. First, K.P. said that Delana should mind her own business. Then he said the only thing he said any where close to what Del said was this:

Jason - If Melissa asked you out, would you go out with her.
K.P. - I can't. I have a girlfriend.
Jason - Well, what if you didn't have a girlfriend?
K.P. - I don't know.
Jason - Would you think about it?
K.P. - Yes.

So that clears that up.

July 1st, 1991 - Monday

Saturday I slept until 11:15 then mom & I ran some errands. I babysat for Philip. Boring day.

Sunday we went to church then went to see Oklahoma! in Carbondale. We were supposed to see it Thursday night at camp but someone screwed up so we went to the sunset concert instead. I called K.P. Sunday night. He said he couldn't talk so I asked him if I could call him back tomorrow (which is today) he said sure so I guess I'll call him today.

Today I had computers which Liz A.goes to. She said that Preston told Sarah that he went off with me Wed. She's all ticked but she's more ticked at Sam Carter who told K.P. how much she loves him and Sam & Sarah are supposed to be best friends. But Sarah is so jealous of her. Even though school is out and we aren't all together, it's still a big mess over K.P. But now I feel like I have a better reason to be involved. I love him, too. More than I even loved Brad, which is a lot. I love him and Michelle loves him and I love him, and Sam loves him, and I love him, and whoever loves him, and I love him and he loves Sarah. Oh well. Life goes on.

June 29th, 1991 - Saturday

This journal entry is on paper with water damage, so many of the words are unreadable. When I can, I'll make a guess as to the words that are missing and put them in brackets. When I can't, I'll put a "......", so you'll know that's a place with something missing.


In 3rd hour Creative writing Thursday. I finished up all of my stuff. Right before creative [writing] we had our pictures taken for our home newspapers. While we were waiting I ......

The water balloon fight was great!! We each got 10 balloons. I got K.P. a couple of times. After dinner we were sitting around in the cafeteria & it was freezing. K.P. said he'd [sit outside] with me. So we went and sat outside where it was warmer. Then we had the ice cream social. They announced the winners of the talent ...... 3rd ...... recited "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost. 2nd - Jaime ...... who sang 2 ...... old gospel style 1st - Brendan Finnegan who played the piano. Then we went ...... sunset concert which was a lot of fun. I sat by K.P. I asked him if he ever liked Michelle. He said he did once last year but he asked me not to tell her that. He told me that I did good in the talent show. Does he like me? Could he ever like me? I know what Del said he said, but I don't know if I can trust her or not.

Jason & Alex, friends of K.P.'s taught me how to play 5-card draw. That was fun. K.P. said he's come up later that night, but I went to sleep at ...... so I don't know.

Friday in drama we did more passing around stories and we had to play a charades game and act out some actions of a person of our choice. In Open Forum we talked about ways we would change the camp. For tours my group went to the medical center - boring.

Oh! Before tours, after lunch, we were in the pool room. Garnett & I played air hockey. I beat her two games, but when I was winning 4-2 we had to go to tours. In creative writing we ...... made covers for our ...... scrapbook ...... Angelly's mom took me home. Right before we left K.P. handed "Last Act" back to me because he borrowed it Monday night. He said, "I don't suppose I could keep this for awhile and give it back at church or something?" I said he could keep it.

As soon as we got back to Hgb. I had to go to Phil's basketball game.

June 27th, 1991 - Thursday

Right now, while everyone is at tours, I'm in my room pretending to be asleep. I told the counselors I was sick. I'm on the rag and I had in a tampon and a pad and still ran over. Shit.

I've only seen K.P. very briefly today. Tonight we're going to a concert, so maybe we can talk then. Even if nothing more comes out of this, I can say that Preston and I are better friends.

I called Michelle today. She misses me. Next year is going to be rough. She wants me to see if K.P. ever liked her.

I remember how much I used to like Brad. I like him more than anything. But I think, no... I know that I like Preston more than I ever liked Brad. Preston, Preston, Preston. I feel like I can tell him anything and no matter how stupid it is, he'll understand. I could never do that with brad. I feel so much more confident now after talking to Preston. What I do & think is important. What other people think isn't important unless I want another opinion.

Last night when I was still in my heels and skirt, I saw Andy on the stairs. He gave me a look like "What are you looking at?" Then as I went up to the 3rd floor platform & he went to the stairs below the platform, he looked up my skirt. What a jerk. I was walking with Robert - a black guy in my drama who's really sweet - after Drama and we were talking about Andy, because Robert is his roommate. Robert said that Andy was a conceited jerk. I believe him.

Today in drama we did our plays. My group's was the best if I do say so myself. Afterwards, Brendan was really nice. Well, he's been nice to me all week. But after drama he was talking to me like he liked me. I'm going to get his address.

June 26th, 1991 - Wednesday

The day started out basically in a normal way I guess. In drama we did stories where one person would start it and then pass the story to someone else. Then we had to get in small groups and write a play. Ours is about the Miss 1991 Rhubarb Festival Queen of Squash Possum County. It might be good.

In open forum we skipped the environment and went on to love, infatuation, and teen sex/pregnancy. My tour group went to McLeod theatre. It was boring. 3rd hour - creative writing - was okay, I just didn't get as inspired today. Mostly I thought about Preston and the talent show.

My recreation today was volleyball. Preston was in my group. He was always on the other team though. Preston sat with us as supper. Nice.

After volleyball I found out that I'm on the rag now. Great. Oh  well, things could be worse. I could have forgotten to bring any stuff. But I had really bad cramps after supper.

We had to walk to Quigley for the talent show. I was in my black heels & I fell down one of the sets of stairs. I went to the bathroom because that set my cramps off. Del came in the bathroom while I was in there. She told me something that Preston said - not to her, but she heard him tell someone else. I don't know exactly - something like he'd go out with me if I asked him. And something about how he didn't want to break Sarah's heart. So, that was up for interpretation.

I sat next to Preston during the talent show. It went over well, I guess. The talent show. There weren't very many entrants, so maybe we have a chance. Our act went over great. I still think what I've always thought. Del is flat.

After the talent show, we walked back to the dorms. After I changed into shorts, Preston and I went to the Agricultural building to talk. And believe me, did we ever talk. We talked about everything just about. We got to talking about why he's so easy to talk to. Somehow we got off on what I was on the inside. He really made me talk. Really talk. I loved it. I cried SO much. But it was okay in the end.

We were done talking, pretty much. He said, "Is there anything else?" I knew perfectly well what I wanted to say & he knew I had something to say. He said "This is one of those personality revealing corny things, Isn't it." I said "yes". He waited. I said "You still owe me a dance." He said "Oh yeah, I'd forgotten about that." (disappointed look) "I was playing pool." Big pause. "This is a stupid question, you don't have to answer if you don't want. Do you want more than a dance?" Somehow I looked him in the eye and said "yes". Big pause. "Another stupid question. Do you want what Sarah has?" Somehow I said "yes" But that was okay. he knows now and I'm glad. Sarah is so lucky, I wonder if she knows how lucky she is.

When we got back to Baldwin Hall we thought we were right on time but we were 14 min. early. All of our friends had been looking for us. I got teased so bad by my friends.

Oh well, life goes on. Preston kept asking me who I was on the inside, and I couldn't tell him. Finally he told me who he saw in me. He was so right. So right.

So now there's no pretending. No pretending. I am who I am and I love myself for who I am. I love Kenneth Preston Sweat, also.

June 25th, 1991 - Tuesday

In drama today we did sense something, where we had to go through an obstacle course blindfolded. It was a lot of fun. Brendan is in that class. He's adorable.

Open Forum was kind of boring. We talked about stuff related to the schools. Tomorrow is the environment.

At lunch, Brendan asked me to sit with him. So me & Liz G. sat with Brendan & Andy. Andy was acting like a jerk. And Preston was giving me dirty looks????? I was think, with any guy except Preston, I couldn't have given them that note even if I was really pissed. I feel so much closer to Preston. I feel like I can have strong emotions ("You have no right to treat me like SHIT") and he'll listen to me.

My tour group went to computer affairs. I got the top population on Sim City so far. 46,600.

Creative Writing was so much fun. We're doing a Scrapbook pretty much on our own. Preston is in there and I made sure I always sat with a perfect view of him.

For recreation, I had Win, Lose, or Draw which was okay.

After supper a bunch of us played crazy stuff on the piano in the student center. Then we watched "Field of Dreams" which was just as good this time as the last 3 times I watched it.

Then me, Del, K.P., David someone, Brad Ross, someone, & someone sat around and talked on the 2nd floor. Once we got into a water fight with some other kids on the 3rd floor.

Once, Preston just left and went upstairs?? When he came back he was acting so different. Very quiet & confused looking?????

Liz G, Del, & I are singing "The Rose" as a trio for the talent show.

June 24th, 1991 - Monday

Challenge started yesterday. Mom, Dad, & Philip dropped me off. The first thing I did just about was look at the tours list. Josh Leljedal and Andy Jackson are both here. Anyway, we're allowed to be on the guys' floor until 10:00. We had tour of campus which was boring. Josh was sitting diagonal from me a few seats ahead of me, facing me. We kept looking at each other, half smiling, and looking away. Then back in the dorms we got our schedules. I have 1st - Drama 2nd - Open forum 3rd - Creative Writing. Good. That's the three I wanted. later, I was sitting with K.P. and David someone and Brad Ross and some other kid were talking and some kid came up to me. he said "Josh wants to know if you still like him." Very hesitantly I said "no". Josh was standing there and his face kind of fell a little. I said "Josh!" He turned around. I mouthed "Sorry." He nodded sort of an okay. I felt kind of bad.

Today we got to go to our classes. Josh was in drama with me. We had to interview someone and give a talk on them. Then we did a short skit. I was the cobbler's wife and Ginger was the cobbler. Ginger & Sarah share a bathroom with me & Jenna who is my roommate.

Last night me, Ginger & Sarah stayed up until 4:30 talking about everything.

Second hour was pretty fun. We talked about racism and sexism. Tomorrow is talking about school. I think that'll be boring.

The food this year is just as bad as last year.

At lunch in the gift shop, K.P. and I were having a good time talking about some of M.C. Eisher's drawings, and about the Far Side. We were having a great time. Then somewhere between lunch and 3rd hour he changed his attitude. In between the two was tours. My group went to the museum and we wrote a paper about one of the exhibits. Josh was in my group. We both did our papers on this fire hydrant in one of the exhibits. We were talking and stuff so I guess things are okay. I think I'm going to write him a note.

While we were waiting to go to 3rd our, Preston kept cutting me down, really pissing me off. I got mad and said "I'm not talking to you for the rest of the week." So the bet was made. About five minutes later I lost. Also, we kept having stare-down contests. He always won. After I lost the bet and the stare contests, he just tried his hardest to rub it in, which is what upset me the most. So after orgami - my recreation - I wrote him a note. I said how one minute - like in the bookstore - he's really great, and then he's a complete jerk. The last line said "Just because I can't help myself from talking to you or because you can always stare me down doesn't give you any right to treat me like SHiT." I folded a fuck tab in it and gave it to him at supper. He goes "Do you really feel that way?" I said yes. He kept saying things like that. I guess he didn't know if I was serious or kidding. I was serious.

After supper we went to the rec center. In the pool i was kind of avoiding K.P. Later though, it was okay. He dunked me and I got a headache. He goes, "I'm sorry. Sorry for everything." and he gave me one of those killer looks. My hormones died. Big brown eyes.

We got back to the dorms & me, K.P. & this kid David sat around and talked about everything, just about. He told me that I reminded him of Kendra. Kendra is like the girl who got K.P.'s hormones to kick in. She's the one who taught him all he knows. He said I reminded him of her. Shit. it was about ten so K.P. stayed on the stairs while I went to get Last Act for him. When I came back and I said "Sometime, not necessarily this week, I'd like to know what Rachel told you (when Rachel and I had our fight) because a lot of what happened that morning in home room even I don't understand." See, he told me that Rachel told him all about that and that he knew the real Rachel. But when I was saying that, well, as I came out of the door & handed him the book I glanced at his gorgeous brown eyes and he was crying. I ran back to my room and cried. I was so confused. I know that I just remind him of Kendra in looks. I felt so close to him tonight. But then there's Sarah. And not just that. With K.P. I always feel like... I don't know, just like I don't belong. Why was he crying? Oh, one other thing. When we were just getting up from talking, he said "No one really knows me. And I don't think anyone will for a long time." What the hell does that mean? Why was Kenneth Preston Sweat crying. Is it something I did? Something I said? Something I am? Something I'm not?

June 18, 1991 - Tuesday

This week could not go by any slower. I'm so hyped up about Challenge.

Micky spent the night Friday. We watched "Young Einstein" and "Listen to Me." Last summer I went through a period of not really liking Michelle. But this year has been a big change for both of us & we're a lot closer. Next year is going to be rough but I think our friendship can take it.

Yesterday and today from 4-8 I had a babysitting class at the hospital. I'm certified in CPR now. It was a pretty fun class. I can't wait for Challenge!!

June 12th - Wednesday - 1991

Yesterday Debbie, Lizzy, & Pammy came down. We shopped around in Harrisburg all afternoon, them Lizzy & I went to the show by ourselves. We saw, "Don't tell Mom, the Babysitter's Dead." It was really good. Amt was there. (More later on Amit.)

Today, we went to Cave in Rock and the to Garden of the Gods. I've been to both places before, but we had a lot of fun. We came home around 4:00. They stayed for about an hour, then they left.

Okay. At our theatre, you have to be in high school to get in without an adult. There was a group of girls in front of us who are going to be 8th graders. Amit was working there. He came up to me and said "Are those girls up there in your class?" I said, "No, they're all a year younger than me." He said okay and went back in. I don't know what happened, because they let them in, anyway. Amit was in a suit, and did he look GOOD! Class. When me and Lizzy were getting cokes, he goes "Are you going to be in band next year?" I said yes, and gave him a here-we-go-again look. He just smiled and nodded and gave me an are-things-going-to-be-any-different-between-us look. Could I ever like Amit? Yeah.

June 9th - 1991 - Sunday

Friday night I spent the night with Michelle. We watched "Shag." I've seen it before. It's my favorite movie after "Goonies." We went to bed around 12:30.

Saturday morning we left for Holiday World. Preston didn't go. He had to pack for boy scout camp which he left for today. So Michelle and I walked around with Chris Moore, Aaron, Terry Trip, & Robie Doris. Chris & Terry kept teasing me about Preston because they found out I liked him. They were also treating me & Michelle like inferiors. They kept saying "What do you want to do now "guys" & "What do you "boys" think" The first half of the day was pretty awful. Once Chris said something that sounded sort of gay. I said "I always knew you were like that, Chris." He said "Is that why you were attracted to me for so long?" I was so mad. He didn't have any right to use that against me.

After lunch, I quit being so touchy. When Chris or Terry said something about Preston to me, I just smiled and took it instead of getting upset. Chris was really flirting, and I flirted right back. Terry had his arms all over me - leaning on me & stuff. And I let him - gladly. Michelle & I layed down the law. When they said something - they were to include us "girls" in the conversation. Chris thought that was funny, but Terry started taking us seriously.

We rode the bumper cars once, the bumper boats twice, the log ride once, and the White Water River Rampage 5 times so we were thouroughly drenched all day.

On the way home, Michelle, Chris, Terry, & I talked about everything from books, to high school, to band trips, to Chris's and mine entire love life. Everyone had really loosened up. I don't like Preston any more. Chris asked me what I saw in him, and it got me to thinking. Of course, there are always those things that make Preston who he is. But I really don't see anything in him anymore. I still like him as a friend just fine. But then there's Terry... Chris...

Okay. So now I like Chris and Terry. In Chris, I like what I've always liked about Chris. He's funny, loveable, sweet, caring when he wants to be, easy going, and just your general heartbreaker qualities. In Terry, I like what I'd never paid attention to before. He's not a bit like Chris. Terry isn't full of himself like Chris. Terry's not extremely good looking at first glance. But I think so now. Adorable. Terry does a lot more caring. And letting you know that he cares. Once at lunch, I was pretty mad & I walked past Terry. He put his arm on my shoulder & said "Don't hit me, I'm just kidding witcha." Adorable.

So that's it. Next year is going to be so much fun.